Thoughts of Wisdom       Page 1Page 2 --- and --- Page 3

 

 News Flash

Cow Stuff

I want to thank

Subject: This cracks me UP

FIRST PERSON ON THE MOON

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! 

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION   (Are these the new government guidelines?)

Official Announcement

Subject: THE MIND IS AN AMZING THING

Creation ... Today's Version 

TO MAKE YOU SMARTER

Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash

Twas the month after Christmas

Take kindly the counsel of the years

A Friend

Fruitcake Recipe

Here's a little quiz for you

Five Important lessons

People

Dear Tech Support,

Hidden Settings

Adult vs Child Visions

Dear God,

Subject: DEFINITIONS

Monday Morning Test

Why Can't We See God - A scientific explanation

 

    Back to:   Hendersonville, NC -- Upcoming Events

 

 

 

Subject: DEFINITIONS

Finally, some definitions that make sense.........

 

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the

middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born

and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

Something other people have.

You have character lines.

 

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Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
(Read this aloud, if you can!)


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, 
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, 
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, 
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, 
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, 
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, 
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, 
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, 

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, 
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; 
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, 
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


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Twas the month after Christmas

 

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"


So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

 

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Take kindly the counsel of the years

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater
and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
 

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.


Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

 

 

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A Friend

(A)ccepts you as you are

(B)elieves in "you"

(C)alls you just to say "HI"

(D)oesn't give up on you

(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)

(F)orgives your mistakes

(G)ives unconditionally

(H)elps you

(I)nvites you over

(J)ust "be" with you

(K)eeps you close at heart

(L)oves you for who you are

(M)akes a difference in your life

(N)ever Judges

(O)ffers support

(P)icks you up

(Q)uiets your fears

(R)aises your spirits 

(S)ays nice things about you

(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it

(U)nderstands you

(V)alues you

(W)alks beside you

(X)-plains thing you don't understand

(Y)ells when you won't listen and

(Z)aps you back to reality

 

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Everyone can use a good fruitcake recipe

Here is a good one. 

Fruitcake Recipe: 

1 cup water 
1 cup sugar 
4 large eggs 
2 cups dried fruit 
1 teaspoon baking soda 
1 teaspoon salt 
1 cup brown sugar 
lemon juice 
nuts 
1 gallon whiskey 


Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat. 

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still.

hic........OK.......... Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. 

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. 

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. 

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. 

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. 

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to burn off the teater.

Throw the bowl out of the window. 

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed........hic........... Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

 

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Here's a little quiz for you:


1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.


How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.



Here's another quiz.
See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?       The lesson?       The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.

 

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     Five Important lessons     

 

Important Lesson  #1  

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz.
I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: 

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor.

"In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."

I've never forgotten that lesson.  I also learned her name was Dorothy.

 

Important Lesson  #2  

One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm Her car had broken down, and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. 

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.

God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."


Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

 


Important Lesson  #3  

Always remember those who serve you.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied." The little boy again counted his coins.  "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

 

Important Lesson  #4  

The Obstacle in Our Path

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear. But none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand.

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

 


Important Lesson  # 5  

Giving When it Counts

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away? " Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

You see understanding and attitude, after all, is everything. 

Have a good day!

 

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     People come into your life for  a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime     

    When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.          

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are. 

They are there for the reason, you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. 

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real! But, only for a season!

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person or people (any way); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.  Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these... it might have been.

Thank you for being a part of my life.
    

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Hidden Settings

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Adult vs Child Visions

When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch
of weeds that are going to take over my yard.

My kids see flowers for Mom
and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I
see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away.

My kids see someone
smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a
tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self consciously and listen.

My kids feel the beat
and move to it. They sing out the words. If they
don't know them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against
it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk.

My kids close their eyes,
spread their arms and fly with it until they fall to
the ground laughing.

When I pray I say Thee and Thou and grant me this, give me that.


My kids say, "Hi God!!! Thanks for my toys and my
friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to
go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

When I see a mud puddle, I step around it. I see
muddy shoes and clothes and dirty carpets.

My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to
cross and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from?

No wonder God loves the little children!!

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife (keep reading)

 

-----Reply Separator-----

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

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Dear God,


Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane, crash landed on my garage,
O. J. Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live
through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able
to make it through anything today!!

But please....
DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!

 

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Creation ... Today's Version

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and  populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.  

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day ....... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

 

 

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TO MAKE YOU SMARTER

 

Here are some facts you may not have been aware of.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years. Babies are born without kneecaps.

They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

 

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo Di Vinci invented the scissors.

No word in the English language rhymes with month. (or "orange")

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Shakespeare invented the word assassination' and 'bump'.

Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand, lollipop" with your right.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face is 10:10.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs

five times: "indivisibility."

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?

That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable".

Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

It's impossible to lick your elbow.

On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the hardest tongue twister in the English language...try it!

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL SMARTER?

OK, Honestly did you try to lick your elbow?

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Subject: THE MIND IS AN AMZING THING

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg.  The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr
the  ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat  ltteer be in the rghit pclae.  The rset can be a taotl mses
and you can  sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.  Tihs is bcuseae the
huamn mnid deos  not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe.  Amzanig  huh?  yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

also --- Go here to take the Monday Morning Test

http://www.risingstarkaraoke.com/monday_test.html

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HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION   (Are these the new government guidelines?)

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 ____________________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 ____________________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
 ____________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
 ____________________________________

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
 

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
 ____________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
____________________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 ____________________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!  It's the best feel-good food around!
 ____________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________
 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
 
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
____________________________________
 
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

 

Why Can't We See God - A scientific explanation

 

 

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. 

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. 

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. 

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. 

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. 

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. 

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! 

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. 

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! 

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! 

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. 

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! 

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FIRST PERSON ON THE MOON
 
You have to be old enough to appreciate this.

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Subject: This cracks me UP
 

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is UP.

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of ! the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this
UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the! morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP
, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.......... Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U-P

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I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
 
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!
 

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Cow Stuff

 

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.

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Official Announcement

        

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a guy with a swollen head who thinks he's bigger than life, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.


Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
 

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 News Flash ----  Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a yeast infection.  He was 71.  Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.  Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.  The grave site was piled with flours and longtime friend Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.  Fresh is survived by his wife.  They have 2 children and one in the oven.  The funeral will be at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

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Thoughts of Wisdom    Page 2

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